How to keep love: 12 the main tips of a psychologist

Love is a beautiful feeling that inspires and fills with joy. But it can pass very quickly if you do not work on the relationship and do not support it.

Let’s tell you how to keep love for many years and stay in a trusting relationship with your chosen one.

Understand that crises are inevitable

Of course, you want the relationship always like a fairy tale, and the confetti-bouquet period did not end. But the sooner you realize that this is not possible, the easier it will be to survive the inevitable crisis in the relationship.

Psychologists HighlightFive levels of relationship:

1. Awareness stage, which occurs after a year of living together. Rose-colored glasses fall off, you begin to see your partner not as a perfect prince, but an ordinary man with his own shortcomings. If you have not discussed important issues such as sharing finances, having and raising children, spending free time, etc. before living together.d., Now is the time to do it. Sensible dialogue is the way to overcome the first crisis in the relationship.

2. Stage of the dangerous comfort zone, which comes 3-4 years after the start of the relationship.British scientists have doneStudya study of 2,000 married couples found that after 3 1/2 years, partners spend less time together, give up sex more often to sleep and say the words of love less often. There comes a comfort zone, which on the one hand is good, people relax and trust each other. But on the other hand, there are annoying household habits, unkempt home clothes, etc.d. In the study, 82% of those surveyed said they were happy with their relationship, but 49% wished their partner was more romantic. To pass this crisis you need to keep the light in the relationship: be together more often, do not give up intimacy and continue to surprise each other.

3. Seven-year itch– The official definition of crisis in Western psychology, which occurs after 5-7 years of a relationship. By this time, the couple has already established a life, studied habits and communication is on autopilot. It seems that there will be nothing new and interesting, so partners flee from each other or decide to have a child (the first or the second). Neither option is a solution, children are a new responsibility, not a panacea for all problems, and a breakup can make a couple unhappy if they still love each other.Psychotherapist Robert Taibbirecommendskeep interesting communication, not limited to the banal “How was your day,” listen to and hear each other, and talk about the prospects for the future together, imagining it in 5 or 10 years.

4. The stage of a difficult age, which comes after 10-15 years.According toresearch, The 10-year mark is the most difficult. More than 2,000 women surveyed said the hardest part was the 11th year of marriage, when they had to deal with the schoolwork of young children, household chores, and time to work. The lack of time makes them stressed, which they project onto the relationship. The best way to survive this time is to treat the situation with humor, trying to find the positive in everything.

5. Gray divorce– The last crisis stage, which comes after 20-30 years of relationship.Researchshow,that divorce rates at this stage inevitably rise as relationship problems are joined by the mid-life crisis. Another reason is the empty nest syndrome, when grown children leave the parental home and the spouses, again, as in their youth, left alone, begin to feel that the marriage has exhausted itself, as the main mission is fulfilled. To survive this time, it is important not to alienate from each other, to find common interests and to spend as much time together as possible. If you manage to survive this difficult stage, then your relationship is likely to be nothing to worry about.

It turns out that crises in the relationship comes every few years, and the ability to overcome them depends on the duration of the union and harmony in it.

Tips for Keeping Love

Rules to help develop a relationship are trivial, but for some reason few people follow them. Here are our tips for keeping your feelings alive as long as possible.

Contribute to the relationship

The first thing every couple needs to realize is that love implies activity. No need to think that if you have invested in your relationship once during the candy and bouquet period, it is enough. In order to keep love, we must continue to please each other and create the conditions for their feelings.

In this case, it is not so much about the financial side of the issue, but rather the willingness to make an effort for the sake of the person you love: giving a bouquet for no reason, meeting you after work, cooking breakfast, letting your soulmate sleep, etc.d. It is about the desire to care for and please your partner, this also includes romantic dinners and outings for which you need to find the time and energy.

Creating a space of love and keeping it

The space of love includes several components:

1. Emotional compatibility, where a couple accepts each other without criticism and negativity;

2. Intimate part of the relationship, which determines the sexual attraction of partners to each other;

3. A physical space – a shared home with a joint established household and their own personal traditions;

4. Common interests, goals, affairs – something that makes two people not only a loving couple, but also partners;

5. Shared relationships with others – this includes parents, children, and friends, you need to decide how often and how to meet and communicate with them.

It is desirable to have both common friends and a separate circle of people with whom partners can communicate without each other.

Recognize that conflicts and quarrels are inevitable

No relationship can be perfect, it is inevitable that the couple will quarrel and resent each other. However, it is important that the aim of conflicts is to find a compromise and a way to preserve the relationship, not to hurt the other person. In this case, any disagreement will strengthen the union instead of destroying it.

Being attentive to changes in the relationship

It often happens that partners do not notice the first warning signs of a change in attitude. Or do not want to pay attention to them. As a result, the crisis gets deeper and the point of no return comes – when the lovers hurt each other so much that their feelings become secondary.

To prevent this kind of development it is very important not only to talk to each other but also to talk about their expectations, resentments, problems. Only in this kind of dialogue the couple hears each other, the moments that need to be paid attention to and worked through are outlined.

Remember the point of no return

No matter how much people love each other, if the relationship is not worked through and problems are not discussed, resentments accumulate, which eventually lead to the fact that it is no longer possible to return everything as it was. Even if there are still feelings and a former lover did not have time to become a stranger.

To avoid this kind of development, it is worth periodically visiting a psychologist. Ideally, if you go to him together, but if your partner does not recognize such methods, visit him on your own, in this case, too, there will be an effect.

It is important to note here that any couple during every crisis seems to think that the point of no return has arrived and the relationship is over. But most often there is still a chance to save their feelings, if you show a little patience and tolerance.

Be willing to give as well as to take

Love lasts and grows only in couples where both partners invest in the relationship. For example, each shows attention, sympathy, support for the other. It is important that partners respect the dignity and personality of each other.

It is necessary not only to accept love, but also to give it to your loved one, so that he also feels how he is treated. Relationships in which there is a “one-way game” sooner or later lead to the fact that the one who loves gets tired of his role of constantly giving and receiving nothing in return. As a result, love dies and the couple breaks up.

To avoid this, keep a balance – respect each other’s interests and desires, and do not allow silence and misunderstandings, so that your union is getting stronger every day.

Always go to bed together

The main rule of a loving couple is to always lie down together, even if you quarrelled and did not have time to make up. This also applies to those families where the man goes to sleep in another room after the birth of a child, arguing that it is too early to get up for work.

Here we need to understand that the husband and wife are equal parents who have obligations to the new family members. And this new phase needs to go together so we don’t alienate each other.

We are not talking about those couples who consciously chose separate bedrooms, for example, because one person’s snoring disturbs the other. How to build their own life everyone chooses for themselves, but if you want to keep your love – do not send her husband to sleep on the couch and do not leave at any quarrel. No matter what the situation now in the house, go to sleep together.

Do not neglect the warm words and support

Even if you don’t like big words, accept that your significant other needs verbal affirmation of your feelings. Say warm words to each other, support your loved one. Even if you think you’ve proved your feelings with a single confession or marriage proposal, it’s really not enough. Daily caressing words and sincere care nourish the relationship, not letting the feelings go out.

Be generous with hugs and kisses

Tactile contact is key in preserving and developing a relationship. It is scientifically proven that loving people should hug at least 3 times during the day, and the minimum time for each hug is 10 seconds.

If you are separated often and for a long time, fill in the gap during meetings, increase the time and the number of cuddles. It is important to understand that in this case it is not about physical attraction, but about something much more important. People in love must touch and communicate their feelings non-verbally. If you follow this rule, the question of how to save your relationship will not bother you.

Remember that the person you love is the most important person in your life

This is especially important not to forget after the birth of a child, when many women are dissolved in motherhood, forgetting about the status of the wife and beloved girl. Children and parents are family and important people in our lives, but do not forget that your sons and daughters will grow up and leave the parental home, and Mom and Dad – a separate family with its own way.

Your favorite person – the one who will be with you to the end, even when the children will live separately.

So in building relationships to properly prioritize, not allowing anyone to get between you and break the balance of understanding.

Create and keep family rituals

This is what strengthens the relationship the best. Rituals and traditions can be anything: dinner together, no matter how late everyone gets home, reading a book together on weekends, an annual trip to the mountains, and so on.

Choose something that brings you together and brings you closer to each other, creates an emotional connection. It is family rituals that will keep you from losing each other in the crisis stages.

Spend less time on the internet

If you do not have online work, when you come home, put away your gadgets and spend time with your family. Evenings that everyone spends ducking into their phones becomes a sad standard. Psychologists say that 86% of couples have come to break up after spending too much time on the Internet.

Choose live communication with your loved one over correspondence in social networks, and you can keep your relationship for a long time.