Married, but in love with a colleague

The romanticization of corporate relationships in movies and TV shows is greatly exaggerated. It’s not those who are immensely happy who go to a psychologist with a request for a connection with a colleague, but those who need help. According to statistics cited by HeadHunter, 47% of respondents of both genders had a romantic relationship with a coworker (subordinates 10%, boss 14%). 47% of those who dated a co-worker experienced a difficult, emotional breakup. These statistics do not take into account those cases where a relationship was built on the back of a formal marriage to another person. If you take this fact into account, the percentage of unhappy people in this statistic would greatly increase.

Confused feelings experienced by a married man when he falls in love with a colleague create internal conflict. Conflict is exacerbated by guilt and shame in front of his wife, the fear that she will find out everything. But what pushes a man to have an office affair and to cheat? An interesting thought on this topic was put forward by the writer Konstantin Melikhan: “By cheating, a woman seeks the best, and a man – new”. This is not the only reason that gives rise to procrastination.

How to talk to a girl and not seem boring

Causes of office romances in unattached people

Think about how your love affair with a girl who has become the object of deep affection was developing before you realized your feelings? What kind of relationship you and your wife had at this point? What problems do you see in family life and what problems are inherent in forbidden feelings? A clear analysis of these issues will provide insight into the emotional tragedy that is occurring. The following are common causes of love affair at work married people:

  1. Search for fresh feelings, impressions, emotions. The first obvious reason is the desire to experience new sensations. Falling in love, characterized by vivid emotional expressions, a sense of happiness, wild passion, allows you to break away from the boring routine that firmly binds a man to his wife.

  2. Friendly relationship with a female colleague. If you work in an organization with a strong corporate ethic (training, joint retreats in an informal setting, entertaining corporate events, etc), you might find it difficult to get paint out of your clothes.d.), then there is a high chance of moving the relationship from the rank of “working” to the rank of “personal”. Friendly relationship with a colleague helps to create emotional contact, mutual understanding (illusory or real). If infatuation began as a result of a friendly relationship, it is based on a sense of comfort and a desire to be understood.

  3. No need to deal with domestic issues.In a work environment, everyone has a task and everyone is tied up in company development issues. And at home with his spouse, these issues day in and day out about the household, children. In this case, a woman colleague is perceived as an independent, interesting, enthusiastic person. And the wife is the generator of household worries.

  4. Fading feelings in a marriage.Feeling a loss of intimacy with your spouse, fading passion, and sex on Sundays are all fertile grounds for developing feelings for another woman. Immediate intimacy at work and lack of free time to find a partner subconsciously dispose to a romantic connection at work.

  5. Crisis moments in marriage.There are normative crises in marriage (one year, three years, five years, etc.).d.) when certain, typical problems are exacerbated. And there are situational crises (financial difficulties, heated communication with relatives, loss of loved ones) that do not depend on the duration of the marriage. At crisis points, a marriage becomes as fragile as possible for outside influences. Any languid glance from a pretty girl at work will be a reason to fall in love.

  6. An affair at work is a way to heat up a dull atmosphere. This is a rare but existing reason that has no personal background. Falling in love acts as a way to diversify your and everyone else’s boredom.

  7. Awareness of the forbidden nature of the relationship.One of the varieties of falling in love with a colleague because of the search for new sensations. Relationship with wife, approved by the public, does not evoke contrarian, controversial feelings.

  8. Low self-esteem.Russian cheating statistics for 2019 shows 7% of cheating due to low self-esteem of the spouse. That is, infidelity becomes a way to raise your self-esteem and strengthen your social status as a “male”.

Having dealt with the source of feelings, it is necessary to work through your personal sphere and relations with the participants of the love triangle.

Practical recommendations for behavior with a colleague

Think about the nature of your infatuation – one-sided or reciprocal? And the most important question is, what do you want from this relationship?? Job@ conducted a social survey of 3,750 residents of Russia about romantic relationships at work. Half of the respondents got in touch with a colleague for several intimate meetings, 19% of meetings ended in a one-time act of love, 27% started a relationship for several months. 12% admitted that they wanted to vent their negative emotions, so they got involved with a colleague. 19% diversified the work process spicy time. And, attention, 23% had sexual intercourse at work during corporate events (under the influence of alcohol). This statistic points to the prevailing situational nature of falling in love with a colleague. To keep things warm and let go of forbidden feelings, try the following recommendations:

  1. Disconcerting honesty. A controversial technique, but it is often the one that helps bring yourself to a logical end to an unrealistic infatuation. With whom you have to be honest? With yourself and your colleague. Admitting to having developed a controversial, forbidden feeling for a colleague. Explain to your colleague what you are experiencing, but you are married and do not want to destroy the marriage. Such honesty will not leave the girl indifferent, and she will try to limit her contacts with you as much as possible.

  2. Looking inside yourself to find the source of falling in love.As a rule, it is a combination of a boring marriage and the presence of a cute, witty colleague. If you do not plan to destroy the marriage, an in-depth self-examination will help you understand how to establish a relationship with your wife and cut off the work relationship.

  3. Limit your communication with the girl you like.If up to this point you have allowed yourself informal conversations with her, now they must stop. It is the relaxed style of communication, a sense of comfort that provokes you to romanticism at work.

  4. Try to see the negative sides of your colleague.Primary love is the state in which we idealize the object of adoration. They are beautiful in everything: interesting communication, impeccable appearance, brilliant mind and sparkling humor. As soon as you see that she is not perfect, that she is an ordinary person, you will let go.

  5. Quitting your job as a last resort. If you are not strong enough to leave behind a crush on a colleague, and the previous recommendations do not work, then you need to transfer from the position where you constantly cross paths with her. This decision is very difficult and leaves a mark on your career.

Why these recommendations do not include tips on how to take your wife by the nose and enjoy an office romance? Because it is the creation of several psychological problems from one. As the self-deception and deception of a loved one multiplies, the problems multiply and the conscience grows stronger every day. The recommendations above are not effective if the relationship with your wife remains the same.

Recommendations for working on your relationship with your wife

There was also a beautiful crush between you and your spouse when love first began. And it’s important to realize that any relationship that matures loses its former sharpness and brightness. Therefore, the story with a colleague, which has reached a happy ending and a break-up with his wife, is likely to go by the same relationship, only without the “romantic filter. And in most cases you will find that they will not work out in the most favorable way.

Spouses Allan and Barbara Pease’s book, Why Men Lie and Women Roar, expresses the idea that a long-term marriage should be given even more attention than a relationship in its nascent stage. The process of interaction in a couple is a mutual process, and when one stops working on the marriage, the opportunity to maintain harmony between the spouses is lost. So, the second recommendation is formulated as follows – get involved in the relationship with your wife. When both strive to maintain tender feelings, it always works. There is a “10-minute rule,” according to which these 10 minutes a day should consistently be devoted to a spouse. You find out how her day is going, or what her plans are, how her work is going, how she feels and what she wants. This measure markedly helps to get closer to his wife and bring back the old emotions.

The most effective way to mend family relationships is to consult with a psychologist who specializes in family psychology. Alone with each other is not always possible to say what it is that displeases and bothers you. Psychologist will establish a dialogue between you and his wife, and help overcome difficulties in the marriage.


Falling in love with a colleague – a feeling that always grows on the background of problems in family relationships. Rash actions can ruin both careers and marriages. So it is important to start working on yourself in time and return to the marital relationship the former fire. You are able to overcome any difficulties, and sorted himself out, to come to full harmony in all areas of life.

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