Over the years of marriage in married couples not only disappear passion, but also mutual interest in talking. Spouses have discussed everything long ago, and communication is often limited to dialogues about everyday problems. But it is important for a woman to remain interesting for her husband even after 10 years of life together. What you need to do to make him consider you a self-sufficient person with a broad outlook is better to ask experts.
What not to do?
Staying for your loved one an eternal mystery is difficult. Routine at home and work at times do not leave a chance to be on top. If you are an extra-class cook, an excellent hostess and a caring mother, it is not enough for a relationship. When you can’t support a topic about the financial market or a political position, conversations at the family table come to naught.
As long as there is communication, you are interesting to each other. When you start to spend evenings in social networks, bogged down by personal matters, there is a coldness in the relationship. If a strong family is a priority, make an effort. Become the perfect wife and friend for a while, and play one-way. Think of it as a quest to be completed in 3 months, or an investment project for the future. Convince yourself that you sacrifice personal resources for the sake of preserving psychological comfort and marriage in the family. It’s comparable to a business that requires a constant infusion of energy and money. When you start to change, you’ll understand from the behavior of a man.
What you have to do to keep your dignity?
For a harmonious marriage you need three factors: respect for yourself and your partner, the tendency to compromise, mutual interest. Work on yourself first.
Identify your range of personal interests. If you start to “dissolve” in her husband, do not count on respect. He will treat you like a piece of furniture: I want – move, tired – move away.
Do not put his interests above your own. Sooner or later selfish men come to the conclusion that you didn’t have one in the first place.
Demonstrate that you have your own life with worries, hobbies, friends. To stay interesting, grow professionally, expand your social circle.
Do not give the appearance that you are afraid of losing it and emotionally dependent. He, like a hunter, is interested in a long hunt and capturing trophies. To the running towards the victim is indifferent.
Less pity, or six months later you will begin to hear how he is undervalued at work.
Man wants to know everything about you and more. This is not a manifestation of jealousy, but a sense of possessiveness, caused by the desire to tie a woman to you, to force to live their personal interests. If you accept this rule of the game, you will be punished for any transgression with reproaches and resentment. On the subject read in R. Kirranova “19 mistakes with men”.
7 factors of a trusting relationship
Moderate attention is necessary for effective interaction. It’s easier to associate taking care of your husband with taking care of a plant. Steps in his direction are comparable to feeding a flower with fertilizer, because it stimulates its development. Since they get more lush with regular watering, add more affection and kissing to the communication that gives “healthy sprouts”.
John Gottman in “The 7 Principles of a Happy Marriage” insists that you should kiss for 6 seconds. This “positively affects your interactions.”. Way to also maintain an emotional connection when there is not enough free time to communicate. Look for points of convergence. Psychotherapists agree that couples, discussing little things, are more interesting to each other and easily overcome quarrels. Research by psychology professor Gottman has proven that people who recognize the right to their own opinion are spiritually closer.
Remain calm in all situations. Men are most annoyed by tantrums with tears. Create an atmosphere of goodwill that is conducive to frankness, talk about dreams, values, beliefs.
Understand what’s important to your partner. He is hurt by your lack of attention or dinner? Does he appreciate the live communication and agrees for the sake of it a sandwich instead of dinner?
Ask yourself how you understand your husband’s worries and concerns, what is the emotional connection between you?
Don’t ignore situations when he invites you in. Demonstrate openness and affection.
If you have a strong-willed character, do not brag about this quality and let her husband to be the leader. Try not to teach, order, criticize, humiliate the male ego.
Be able to admire appearances. Shopping takes your mind off your worries and reminds your husband that he has a beautiful wife.
Don’t descend into jealousy and fear of ending the relationship. In the future, it will get rid of frustration and resentment, to create conditions for mutual understanding. It is difficult to work with this topic, but at least do not cultivate this feeling with negative thoughts.
Do not allow a rivalry in the relationship, trying to prove their own importance, the ability to earn money. If you are good at it, praise yourself silently, but don’t flaunt your accomplishments. Demonstrating superiority hurts the ego of a less successful partner.
How to convey ideas?
How to act to be heard? At an opportune moment, “drip on the brain”? This tactic is subconsciously used by 90% of women, but it does not give the expected results. The power of attraction is hidden in the proper communication. Develop a culture of communication in the family, talking about the exciting topics and share plans. Realize that unlike dreamy wives, husbands are more action-oriented.
Elementary rules of communication
Do not expect that the first time you will be able to convey the range of emotions and convey all his thoughts. Men are so constructed that they can not perceive them simultaneously. Allocate 1-2 facts, specify and bring to consciousness in different ways, reformulating sentences. Reduce the range of your feelings to two emotions. You will soon be amazed at the productivity of communication.
Ask the right questions
Asked – take a long pause and wait forever. Get used to the idea that he is not silent but thinking. It is possible that the answer will be the phrase: “And why do you need?”Only a woman can quickly answer what she feels or what wallpaper she wants to buy in the hall. Get used to the idea that an irrational brain analyzes and compares faster, makes decisions based on emotions.
If your husband did not respond in five seconds, be patient and wait. Otherwise he will say that you “don’t give a damn about his opinion. Don’t interrupt your husband when he’s talking: “Why ask if you’re not interested in what I think??”. If the man has drifted off topic, tactfully bring him back with leading questions.
If your husband suggests something, don’t mind
You know that men don’t look for easy ways. If you are not satisfied with the solution, offer your own variant, leaving the idea behind, otherwise he/she will see you as a critic. When you realize you’re going to flare up – keep quiet and make adjustments as you go along. Then you’ll say that “somehow it worked itself out.”. Let the plan fail, but you won’t be accused of mistrust. If the plan is frankly a failure, because of the lack of support, it will definitely not come to fruition. After a while, the husband himself will realize the mistake.
It is not certain that he will proceed with even the agreed-upon scheme. Men like to set goals, and when it comes to the case, from 10 tasks to implement one, so do not interfere in the dream out loud. It is possible that you are also wrong. If your husband makes plans to the detriment of the family, for example, wants to borrow a lot of money, actively intervene. There’s no time for politeness. Insist on your point, giving your voice the necessary firmness.
Speak frankly
Many women think that it is better to keep silent than to irritate their husbands. But the accumulated frustration transforms into anger, which explodes from the inside, and it comes to the divorce. Husbands are often unaware of what provoked this step: “I’ve been fine for 10 years, and now… Why didn’t you say anything before??”Speak directly without fear of offending. You’re wrong if you think he’ll figure it out on his own. “Ask me first if I need it? No, I do not want to do so. If something is wrong, you can always apologize.
Use the method of active listening
This way is the key to a successful partnership for the free expression of feelings and thoughts. Ground rules:
After the end of the monologue keep a pause. It gives you a chance to think and add details to the story.
Use a brief paraphrase. He confirms that the interlocutor has been heard and understood.
Clarify events or experiences.
Communicate an emotional perception: “I understand how much you’re hurting.”.
Interesting topics for conversation
People fall in love with those who make them happy, gives bright emotions. The question is how to communicate to increase the production of dopamine, which arouses curiosity about the subject of conversation. The hormone is synthesized if he is interested in the new information. If the person is fascinated by the subject and interested in his or her interlocutor, the hormone of joy – oxytocin – also flows into the blood. So it’s important to discuss topics that are interesting not to you, and her husband. An interlocutor with intelligence will not refuse to talk:
About robotics;
computer games;
artificial intelligence;
soccer or a hobby.
To reason on these topics and not to over surprise your husband, read the relevant literature. Periodically impress with interesting facts, references to authoritative sources, and at the same time educate yourself.
Take the time to ask, “What are you doing now?? What are you thinking about? Is everything okay with you? Let’s discuss…” Educator R. Horowitz states: “Sharing experiences every day improves communication and strengthens emotional intimacy. Communication helps solve problems, keeps arguments to a minimum.”.
Are you sure you know everything about your partner or have at least half of it?? Its absence does not allow you to assemble puzzles in the picture of the world, which leads to misunderstanding. Because of the lack of interest in the dreams and plans of communication reduces to mutual recriminations, excuses about lack of time.
Men enjoy talking to wives who delve into problems and know how to support a relevant topic. Joke more, ironize, laugh, give positive emotions, and her husband will want to spend more time in your company.
