- Why Couples Quarrel?
- Crises and breakdowns in relationships
- What to do if everyone is “fed up?”
- Typical mistakes
- Ignoring words
- Inconsistencies in the expression of feelings
- Why do you behave badly??
- Abandon the attempt to assert yourself
- Don’t second-guess another
- Get to the bottom of it
- Make a family contract
- Plan things and finances
- What to do with a catcher?
- You’re two boots on the ground?
Clarification of the couple’s relationship is inevitable. Although it sounds paradoxical, but if you know how to quarrel properly increase the chances for mutual understanding and a happy marriage. Don’t believe? Then ask psychologists expertology. They’ll tell you how to have conflict, but not to bring it to the point of divorce, but to strengthen your family.
Why Couples Quarrel?
Every scandal has a reason. Many people spend years in a sluggish state of conflict with occasional flare-ups. When you fight over nothing at night and are ashamed of your behavior in the morning, it’s time to deal with the causes and institute new communication rules.
Agree that external occasions are annoying, but do not become triggers for scandals. Women more often than men move a domestic situation that has caused a momentary upset into an emotional plane. Swarming thoughts of being disrespected and treated as a servant cause an explosive reaction. They come to this conclusion independently, having decided that the evidence of a boorish attitude are scattered things or unwashed cup.The reasons that provoke serious conflicts are many.
Past experiences, triggered by memories from childhood and embedded in the “software. It is always realized in moments of imprisoned vulnerability. The neural chain acting as a module in a particular situation triggers reactions to reproduce parental behavior.
Existential suffering due to lack of fulfillment and loss of life reference points.
a vulnerable self-esteem, when any counter gesture is perceived as an insult: “He is showing me the way, as if I suffer from topographical cretinism.
The desire to control everyone, which takes on a pathological form. Missed calls or uncoordinated financial expenditures drive control freaks to the brink.
Imposing the only correct point of view without evidence.
Irritation over nothing because of banal fatigue, work or household problems.
Striving to show superiority. People who were brought up in a family where parents took turns pretending to be the head of the family feel this need.
Wrong perception of mistakes. Many people treat their own as weaknesses or pranks, but associate other people’s missteps with personality. If irritated by trifles, they write off not a hard day, grumbling and dissatisfaction of the partner – on egoism.
Anger is caused by a number of factors: wounded ego, vanity, actions that contradict values and expectations, violation of plans.Analysts A
Crises and breakdowns in relationships
Each family develops along its own path, but crises are equally difficult for all. In the first year of being together, young people don’t understand marriage well. Separation of power and responsibilities, inability to agree and live amicably often leads to breakups. If the family survives the birth of a firstborn, after 5 years there is bound to be a crisis of routine.Tired and fed up with each other during this period:
Cool each other down;
Looking for reasons to have fun;
Make new friends;
Reconsider their views on their future together.
After 15 to 17 years, the abandoned nest syndrome hits. When children grow up, parents do not know how to live together. This period coincides with a personal crisis. The first thing that comes to a man’s mind is to dramatically change his life and his wife.
What to do if everyone is “fed up?”
Discord in a couple is a two-person problem. If the family discusses problems instead of blaming, there is always a chance to come to an agreement. No one forbids quarrels, if you do it right.
Conflicts occur in a vicious cycle. In a negative escalation cycle, everyone tries to hurt their partner and cause anger. People understand how this will end, but aren’t going to stop. If you know that your husband is impatient and can’t stand a lecture, why lecture?? When he turns to yelling, say it’s impossible to negotiate with him. Give up the provocations, and communication becomes easier.
In emotional heat, people can’t listen to a speech for more than 10 seconds. The majority make excuses, go on the counterattack, mixing resentment with recriminations. Mutual altercations begin, ending in a scandal. Let the person speak, then ask if you understood the meaning correctly. This sobered up the interlocutor, and he begins to make excuses: “Yes, you misunderstood me. If you are accused, change tactics and voice your feelings – they cannot be disputed. Instead of “you never listen,” tell him that it upsets you that he ignores the arguments. The scandal will quickly go downhill.
Notice that the brain involuntarily picks out information that confirms the personal point of view and ignores the contradictory. Even if it is untrue, the mind clings to it, looking for evidence for it. When your partner doesn’t like something, at the same time, recall similar situations. It is better to immediately agree with the arguments and not to turn the situation into a prolonged conflict with escalation. In the end, excuses won’t be heard and you’ll be left feeling guilty.
Inconsistencies in the expression of feelings
Some express their relationship to their partner with words; others with touch; still others with care. When people have different ideas about how to show love, they feel that there is a lack of attention from their husband/wife. Quarrels begin with recriminations: “You won’t kiss me one more time,” or, “I don’t even know if you love me?”No need to explain that this is emotional blackmail. Behavior depends on the perceptions of the relationship. Each project a family model. If reproached for coldness, do as you are asked without explanation: touch once more, kiss, pay a compliment.
Why do you behave badly??
The problem with relationships is that people often do not understand what they are doing wrong. Look at yourself in the moment of the quarrel and try to change reactions.No need to repeat hackneyed phrases and react violently to arguments.
Admit the fact that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Pause for a moment and try to acknowledge the reasons. Don’t respond to accusations, but reflect.
Take a breath, say “stop”, giving yourself the opportunity to zero in on the emotions. Acknowledge the fact that you are acting on autopilot and feeling angry. Understanding what’s going on cools down the fervor.
When you can’t help yourself, say, “Let’s get it over with. I’m worked up, I don’t want to yell.
Recognise a weakness as strength. Feel free to show vulnerability. When your partner decides to play on it, explain that you understand manipulation and it doesn’t make him or her look good. He’s unlikely to repeat it.
Abandon the attempt to assert yourself
Anger is a defense mechanism for fears. Because of them, you choose tactics of attack with an overreaction. It becomes the norm and when asked the “wrong question”, encroaching on personal space, the game “find the culprit” begins. It is an attempt to experience a compensatory emotion of satisfaction through humiliation of the other, which is unacceptable in a relationship. It signals you need to work on your pathological fears and self-esteem.
Don’t second-guess another
You can not know the intentions of your loved one. So do not speculate, guess and visualize negative stories. Ask directly what the person thinks about a particular issue. Come up with a new scenario when you catch him in a lie. When a person lies unashamedly, offer to tell the truth, promising to listen without emotion or accusation. Don’t forget to keep promises, or you’ll lose credibility.
Get to the bottom of it
If you value the relationship, work on yourself. Start writing down your grievances in a notebook. Present the facts without value judgments. This will help trace the history of the relationship, analyze grievances and resentments.
Recall the last conflict. Who was right/wrong doesn’t matter.
Reconstruct in your mind the events and look from the outside.
Trace the feelings of the actors.
Write a positive scenario in your head with the right conversations.
Knowing the nature of the person, think about how best to behave with a loved one, to convey information? A well-organized scheme will steer conversations in a peaceful direction.
Do not pile up resentment, discuss together any contradictions. Don’t think about how to verbally defeat the enemy, but how to understand him. Then you are sure to hear in response something like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you would feel so bad. I do everything out of habit and do not think about your feelings. Use “I” instead of “you. Let’s say, “It’s a shame that when I talk, you don’t lift your head from the phone. Can’t argue with the facts.
Do not limit your freedom. Draw personal boundaries, not your partner’s. Everyone has rights to interests and inner loneliness. Without this point, it is impossible to build a trusting relationship.
Make a family contract
Relationships fall apart not because of wrong actions, but because of unreasonable expectations. To avoid further frustration, write item-by-item commitments. You can’t force a person to do anything in a marriage contract, but you can write anything in a personal contract. This way you delineate personal boundaries and keep grievances to a minimum.
If you sign up to wash the cups behind you, not to interfere with watching the show, keep your commitments strictly. Violations can be divided into mild/moderate/fatal and fines can be imposed. When you write it all down and argue about fairness, mutual grievances will go down right away. Make it a rule to adjust records every quarter and summarize the results.
Plan things and finances
Lists in the phone help with household chores. Plan for a week or a couple of days at a time. This does not mean that only one person is engaged in a particular case. He’s in charge of the results, but the other is helping out. Charge a fine if the conditions are violated.
One of the frequent problems couples have is a reluctance to say their wishes out loud. Everyone thinks the other has to figure it out for himself. Voice your “wants” and fit them into the family budget. Be surprised how quickly they can be accomplished.
What to do with a catcher?
Women are always looking for an answer to the question, “Did my husband cheat on me or not??”When they learn the bitter truth, some people divorce, while others find the strength to forgive and try to prevent this from happening. Turn away from the goose chase left in a new image, role-playing games is impossible. If these methods worked for everyone, women would not go to psychologists for help. If you do not have the strength to turn a blind eye to the truth, try to find a hobby for the release of energy and emotions: make your husband a racer, climber, hunter. Choose the type of activity you want to do from a basic need.
You’re two boots on the ground?
The notion that opposites attract is not true. Partners who are similar in outlook and character have a better chance of preserving the relationship. The main thing – take each other with their weaknesses and “cockroaches” in the head.ResearchThe University of Tennessee at Knoxville has proven, that pores like this, arguing over little things, are 10 times more likely to live happily ever after in a marriage. They are never insulting and look for solutions together. Their reasons for fighting are trivial:
How to spend the weekend;
Where to go on vacation;
division of functions;
different views on raising children.
Arguments about religious and political beliefs, on topics you don’t know well, avoid. Rational physicists will never understand dreamy lyricists. So that the partner does not feel vulnerable or embarrassed, do not discuss intimate issues and health problems without an urgent need. The secret of a successful relationship is simple: give your partner the opportunity to respond to the reproach, speak up, do not get into personalities.