The son has fallen in love with the teacher: what to do.

The situation is quite common, not once described in fiction, but that does not make it any less difficult for parents of a child who are faced with this problem. The article will look at it from all sides.

Age specific thinking patterns of high school adolescents

Why doesn't the boy want to meet his parents?

Parents need to be clear for themselves that the period of adolescence in a young man, 14 years and older, is a kind of real catastrophe experienced by the emerging man. It is not an exaggeration, starting from this age the teenager completely subjects himself and all his existence to rethinking, such experiences are practically not experienced anymore. This period can be defined as a total crisis – a loss of self and complete social confusion.

The expression “neither fish nor flesh” very aptly describes the age-related characteristics of high school students. He seems to be an adult already, but he cannot be one to the fullest extent, and he does not look like a child at all any more.

To all this from all sides connects the criticism of adults from all sides, the teenager is constantly unsure of himself, and then another “well-wishers” from the adults constantly seek to brand it with labels. It is at this age that self-esteem and self-respect are formed and it is here that the pressure on it is particularly acute.

The teenager becomes different, his values change, other priorities appear, he looks for and uses other ways to react to what is going on with him and around him. The new life literally fell on his head, and he was completely unprepared for it. Yes, and it would be impossible to prepare for it, everyone enters this period of adulthood and everyone overcomes it in different ways…

Two kinds of problems converge at this age. The changes in appearance that are difficult for a teenager to cope with, such as pimples, out-of-proportion limbs, stunted growth, and so on.p. Besides external, non-obvious, but quite real changes in the brain, which was ready to finally form and work in “regular operation” mode, but getting into puberty dramatically changes the curve of steady growth of development and falls into a “hormonal pit”.

This period can be characterized in a teenager as a temporary regression:

  1. Under the influence of changes in hormonal background and hormone production, there is a fundamental restructuring of the brain and its activity.

  2. New, completely unknown to the teenager feelings of sexual and erotic properties arise, which crush and overwhelm all the former settings of the psychological organization of the young person.

  3. thinking teenager is constantly busy with new impressions, feelings and trying to classify it all, as a consequence, he can not maintain the same pace of its development, and it is a state of regression.

Parents should remember that adolescence gives peak deviant behavior, including the frequency of suicides, real and no-joke suicides, the number of which continues to grow.

Possible reasons for a student to fall in love with a teacher

There may be three such causes, let us list them and examine each one separately:

  1. The emergence of a true feeling that may lead to marriage in the future.

  2. The state of being in love is common to all teenagers at this age, projected onto an adult educator at school.

  3. Psychological problems in a teenager.

The first two reasons should be considered inseparable from each other. At this age, as mentioned above, a young person’s decisions are strongly influenced by hormonal changes in the body, and areas of the frontal lobes of the brain are in the process of myelination. For this reason, young people may not have a clear view of their future at age 16, 17, or even 18. The full process of forming the areas of the brain responsible for “long-term planning” will only end by the age of 25.

It follows that feelings can be fixed, become dominant, and may well end in marriage in the future. There are quite a few examples of these families who have lived long and quite prosperous lives together. You can hear these stories, for example, from Galina Smith here.

However, independently, the child is not yet able to distinguish between a real, lasting feeling that he will carry through life, and a fleeting attraction and teenage fantasy. Here an adult should help him so that he can talk to the teenager and find an answer to the problem himself. The consideration of this question is built in stages:

The main thing is to make up your mind, And whether his chosen one is free and not in a relationship with a man. If it is not free, you need to explain the absurdity of the idea of loving an already adult person who has built a relationship with another adult and self-sufficient partner, using the example of the parent herself. If the girl is available, we need to keep talking.

First, you need to put the teenager in the shoes of the teacher herself and ask her to look at the situation through her eyes. Explain what she would be threatened with if she were to reciprocate against an underage student:

  1. The threat of criminal prosecution for lewd acts against a minor

  2. The threat of being fired from her job, with disqualification from teaching;

  3. Conviction from colleagues and acquaintances.

The teenager must ask himself or herself, if he or she really loves a person, can he or she do harm by seeking reciprocity, regardless of the risks listed above?? If he doesn’t care or ignores them, it’s not love, but selfishness and self-love. It is worth thinking about, and making the only right decision is to give up your bad habits and get back to a normal life. If he agrees with the arguments and wants to look for a way out, you can go further in the conversations.

How to get to know a girl

If his intentions are serious, and he does not wish any harm to the object of his love, then it is time to think about what he can give her. As a man, he must match the status of his chosen one, only then can he count on an alliance with her. For this purpose, it is necessary not to cast languid glances at her, not to write letters and text messages, but to raise your level, “pump up” yourself, in the modern language of teenagers. This should be done through education and future enrollment in a university, to study a prestigious profession. He chooses an educated girl as his potential partner, a teacher who has invested her life in teaching others.

By accepting this argument, the teenager agrees that he needs to improve his performance in school and sports. Start growing up at a quickened pace, so that he can “catch up” with the object of his adoration in his development and, after leaving school, appear before her as “not a boy, but a husband”. If the question is put correctly, it can stimulate the son to excel. Over the course of his studies, it is likely that the young man will meet someone similar to the teacher of “his dreams,” but much younger.

Although, maybe he will be so persistent that he will conquer his chosen one with his determination, which is not bad either. Because a man is more inclined to appreciate that which he has received with a lot of work and effort to achieve the goal. And the high value of the chosen one in the eyes of a man – a reliable guarantor of a long and happy marriage. The age difference between her and her husband of 7-8 years will be an incentive for a woman to take better care of herself.

Through such a construction of the conversation you can draw a final line under the feelings that have flared up in the soul of a young man and bring them out of the plane of dreams and illusions into the world of reality. Then either the young man will understand the naivety of his desires and at the same time will comprehend for himself, at least partially, what it means to be with a woman in a relationship, or he will start storming this peak by raising his status. In both cases, the result can be expected to be positive.

Separate from this is the third possible reason connected to the psychological problem of the child. This reason lies in the lack of attention from parents. Often a teenager falls in love with a teacher if he does not receive enough love and attention in the family, from his mother. If parents don’t give him enough time in his life, he will certainly start to make up for it on the side. Some find a teacher to make up for it. And if she is able to listen, care and looks attractive, the child can easily reclassify this affection into a feeling of love amidst the hormonal changes.

The child is not taught to classify his feelings and understand their depth. The goal and task of parents in this case is to find some common ground, melt the ice of distrust, and restore the relationship. Most likely, passions will subside, and the newfound comfort of family relationships will set the accents in the teenager’s mind in their places. Any crush he may have on the teacher will come to an end, and he will start to pay attention to girls of his own age.

What not to do if it became known about your son’s love for his teacher

In education, as in medicine, the main principle is “do no harm. This is very important at any stage of the child’s maturation and is important when he is ready to become an adult and go out into the world by himself. So if parents find out that their son is in love with a teacher,Take it wisely and calmly, making sure to avoid the following points.

  1. Making fun of the feelings that a teenager has.During this period, the teenager is completely unsure of himself, the whole world has gone out from under his feet. He already sees himself as a man in his dreams, and he also sees his teenage insensitivity. Sneering, moreover, belittling, even humiliating him in this situation, the adult will inflict the strongest psychological trauma on his child, with which later, in adulthood, the child will have many problems, both in his personal life and in his physical health.

  2. Ignore and disregard what is going on with your son.Letting things go on their own means leaving the teenager alone with a huge granite block of unsolvable problems. The conclusions and decisions he may make can be devastating to him, up to and including physical death or injury. Although, in the adult’s opinion, it may be a whim and a silly fantasy, but this is only in view of the adult’s life experience. You should not forget that he does not have this experience and a loved one should help him. If not his parents, then who??

In conclusion, it is worth saying that the father can and should participate in the situation. The story of an adult man about his relationship with women, about the stages of maturation and growth of a man, not a bad influence on his son. Also, the father may tell of his love for his teacher in his senior year, but then he met his mother and now they live as a friendly and happy family.

This article is based on the book: John Medina, “Brain Rules. What you and your children should know about the brain,” Andrei Kurpatov, “Happy Child. Universal Rules.”and pedagogical practice of the staff of the Solnyshko Children’s Home RK

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